Starting Over

I had one day last week in which I was not incapacitated by pain of one kind or another. I've been there before in my life. I hoped I was past that. I've tried so many things, done weird treatment, drastically changed my diet. It helped, but pregnancy really threw everything off. Now I'm here, in this place again and SOMETHING has to give. I can't live like this, it's not really living, it's surviving, barely. And now there are four little people that rely on me for so much. I've been trying to get back to eating the way that helped me before, but I've failed miserably. Because it feels like I can't eat anything. Because I'm also battling chemical depression and I'm just now starting to get some light back since baby girl was born. Because it's just HARD, and I am not strong enough.

 I have been praying, pleading for strength to do what I need too and on Saturday it arrived in the middle of another migraine. I didn't want to eat anything, so I reasoned with myself, I might as well just eat what's good for me since nothing would taste good anyway. I had grace and I made it through Saturday and Sunday. The migraine stayed through Sunday afternoon, and then, without medication it went away. My head feel clearer than it has in a long time. I was thrilled.

To be clear what I'm trying to do, I am giving up all grains, all legumes, all dairy, all sugar and chocolate. Basically I'm giving up food related happiness and I have gone to food for comfort way too often in my life.

So today I woke up with a clear head, but terrible endometriosis pain(think lots of knives continuously stabbing your back and abdomen). Today was knuckle-biting hard. I felt so horrible and choosing salmon and vegetables over banana bread seamed impossible. So I prayed. I prayed a lot. I called people to talk me through moments I didn't think I would make it. They gave me strength, God gave me strength. I could not have done it alone, but I made it.

It might not seem like a big deal, but I knew if I gave in today I might not have the courage to start again. I don't imagine tomorrow will be any easier, but I'll keep praying and now I'm blogging, sending it out there, beyond me, even if no else reads what I write, just the writing helps me be stronger. And if you are reading this maybe you can relate to some of this and know you're not the only one.

I am so grateful for the grace of God and the love of others that got me through today. It's one more step towards living, not just surviving. I believe I can get there some day, one step at a time.