I had two really good days this week . I got so much done. I played with my kids. I felt alive. Then I woke up with a migraine and barely made it through yesterday. Today the migraine is gone, but the endometriosis is crippling and again I'm on the couch, wondering if the pain will ever really go away.
I've made the difficult decision to have a hysterectomy, hoping it will help, that I can be a mother to the children I have partly by giving of the hope of any more. On the one hand I've prayed and felt peace about my decision, on the other I'm terrified. The one thing I don know is I can't go on like this.
I've been doing really well at eating the way I should, not perfect but so much better. I know it's important and things would be worse if I wasn't making that effort, but it is hard to make such an effort and not see more improvement.
I'm trying to have faith and hope. I'm trying to see the good. I'm so grateful for the good moments, but I feel like I'm failing my family.
Steven gave me a blessing that said the Lord has and will provide all that I need to accomplish my purposes in this life. So I have to trust that somehow this fits in the plan, that He can use this for good, even though I can't see it.
I have such a blessed life. I have such a wonderful, loving, supportive husband. I have four wonderful children, when there was a time I wasn't sure I would be able to have any. I have incredible family and friends, and mostly I have the gospel. I just need to get through today and believe it won't last forever.
Thank you for words of love and encouragement, you don't know how much they mean to me.
