Waking Up

I feel like I'm waking up after being asleep for, well, years. I've always thought I like to hike and be outside, but I rarely have done it, because I'm just so tired, or in pain, or hopeless. It has been nine days since I had a partial hysterectomy (which went very well) and I've been over to Longwood gardens three times already. It turns out I really do like to be outside. Today I wanted to draw. Not just felt like I should want to draw, but actually wanted to. It has been so long. I'm having fun with my kids. I have so much more patience. Apparently always being in pain makes one somewhat short tempered. I thought I was just a grouchy mom.
I'm meeting myself again, not my illness, mental or otherwise, but me. I'd forgotten so much of who I am. It's like seeing an old friend after years of separation.  And , I actually kind of like myself. WOW. Who'd have thought. I didn't realize how much I'd lost of me until I've started getting it back. I'm crying now, happy tears. I am so overwhelmingly grateful. Yes it's a lot of work. Yest the surgery was kind of intense and I'm still recovering physically. I'm not all there yet, but I'm on my way and I'm so excited to see what comes next.

Steven brought me flowers and we went out to the Cheesecake Factory to celebrate my last period ever the Wednesday before my surgery.   

Happy girls on a hike

       Yesterday we went a hike at Ridley Creek State part. About an hour away. I have been very strict with my diet and it was amazing to me that I had energy and wasn't in pain at the end of an hour and a half hike. I know I'm not strong enough on my own, but by grace, things are getting better. Not every day in a good day, but there are more good days. It's wonderful to have hope ;-) 

Looking for hope

I had two really good days this week . I got so much done. I played with my kids. I felt alive. Then I woke up with a migraine and barely made it through yesterday. Today the migraine is gone, but the endometriosis is crippling and again I'm on the couch, wondering if the pain will ever really go away. 

I've made the difficult decision to have a hysterectomy, hoping it will help, that I can be a mother to the children I have partly by giving of the hope of any more. On the one hand I've prayed and felt peace about my decision, on the other I'm terrified. The one thing I don know is I can't go on like this. 

I've been doing really well at eating the way I should, not perfect but so much better. I know it's important and things would be worse if I wasn't making that effort, but it is hard to make such an effort and not see more improvement. 

I'm trying to have faith and hope. I'm trying to see the good. I'm so grateful for the good moments, but I feel like I'm failing my family. 

Steven gave me a blessing that said the Lord has and will provide all that I need to accomplish my purposes in this life. So I have to trust that somehow this fits in the plan, that He can use this for good, even though I can't see it. 

I have such a blessed life. I have such a wonderful, loving, supportive husband. I have four wonderful children, when there was a time I wasn't sure I would be able to have any. I have incredible family and friends, and mostly I have the gospel. I just need to get through today and believe it won't last forever. 

Thank you for words of love and encouragement, you don't know how much they mean to me.

Starting Over

I had one day last week in which I was not incapacitated by pain of one kind or another. I've been there before in my life. I hoped I was past that. I've tried so many things, done weird treatment, drastically changed my diet. It helped, but pregnancy really threw everything off. Now I'm here, in this place again and SOMETHING has to give. I can't live like this, it's not really living, it's surviving, barely. And now there are four little people that rely on me for so much. I've been trying to get back to eating the way that helped me before, but I've failed miserably. Because it feels like I can't eat anything. Because I'm also battling chemical depression and I'm just now starting to get some light back since baby girl was born. Because it's just HARD, and I am not strong enough.

 I have been praying, pleading for strength to do what I need too and on Saturday it arrived in the middle of another migraine. I didn't want to eat anything, so I reasoned with myself, I might as well just eat what's good for me since nothing would taste good anyway. I had grace and I made it through Saturday and Sunday. The migraine stayed through Sunday afternoon, and then, without medication it went away. My head feel clearer than it has in a long time. I was thrilled.

To be clear what I'm trying to do, I am giving up all grains, all legumes, all dairy, all sugar and chocolate. Basically I'm giving up food related happiness and I have gone to food for comfort way too often in my life.

So today I woke up with a clear head, but terrible endometriosis pain(think lots of knives continuously stabbing your back and abdomen). Today was knuckle-biting hard. I felt so horrible and choosing salmon and vegetables over banana bread seamed impossible. So I prayed. I prayed a lot. I called people to talk me through moments I didn't think I would make it. They gave me strength, God gave me strength. I could not have done it alone, but I made it.

It might not seem like a big deal, but I knew if I gave in today I might not have the courage to start again. I don't imagine tomorrow will be any easier, but I'll keep praying and now I'm blogging, sending it out there, beyond me, even if no else reads what I write, just the writing helps me be stronger. And if you are reading this maybe you can relate to some of this and know you're not the only one.

I am so grateful for the grace of God and the love of others that got me through today. It's one more step towards living, not just surviving. I believe I can get there some day, one step at a time.

Declan's first good laugh video

These boys sure do love each other and Brent loves to make Delcan laugh

A little something new

After a miscarriage, some bed-rest and tense moments we are very happy to announce that baby # two is on the way, due to arrive April 13, 2011

Brent the Lion

So lately Brent has been saving some of his water in his cup then dumping it on the floor or table then trying to lap it up. It's been driving me crazy. We put him in timeout every time with absolutely no effect. Finally one day I was watching his Animals of the World movie with him and saw how excited he got when the lions were drinking out of a pond. So we made a compromise and Brent the lion now drinks out of a bowl on the floor and there is a lot less spilling and a little more hilarity in my life.

The finer points of spoon usage

So Brent is still way into hats

We are trying to let Brent learn how to use the spoon by himself so here are some pictures of his attempts.

Bed Head

So Brent has pretty strait hair, maybe a little wave, but after he wakes up from a nap it is a whole different story. I promise I did nothing to his hair, this is just what it looked like after nap a couple of days ago.

In other fun recentness Brent loves sitting in the sink and talking to himself as demonstrated in the following video. (note, Brent asked for the headband himself)

Winter Wonderland

Well this morning we woke up to this...

Which led to all this...

A new beginning

So it's only been 8 months since my last post. I always said I wouldn't be a very good blogger. Right now I'm enjoying the view from the front window, it looks out over the whole valley and all of the mountains are white with snow. I love mountains. Brent is down for his nap. He has grown so much and is such a little boy now, not a baby anymore, although we still call him baby once in awhile. I'm amazed at how I can still love him more everyday, he's my little buddy and constant companion. We've started learning colors and he knows at least 20 animal names now. He loves bugs ever since Steven's entymology course in the fall. Steven is student teaching and will graduate in April. We just celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary and he's been in school the whole time so it's kind of hard to believe it will actually be over soon.

Brent has started singing and this is his singing face:

And here is a video of his new love affair with his hoodie towel

Swine Flu

So Swine flu has arrived in Utah, well awhile ago actually, then it arrived at the MTC, where Steven works and then it arrived at...Steven. Yep we are a part of history. Fortunately they caught it in time to give him tamiflu so he should be better fairly soon, but he can't go back to work till Monday. Brent started running fever yesterday so the doctor just sarted him on tamiflu too, in case and he's a lot better today. Now we're just waiting to see if I get it. It's actually a fairly typical flu as flu's go. Steven feels pretty rotten but it's almost a relief to not to have to worry about getting it, especially when we got the scary email that someone in our ward on Sunday had it! (of course that was Steven) Anyway, life is always an adventure....

A Year Already

Well we just celebrated Brent's first birthday and I can't believe it's been a year already. He is such a little boy now and we get to know him more all the time, we feel so blessed to have him in our family. Here are so photos of the party, not necessarily in order.

Look at that face!

He was a little sleepy for the presents but he enjoyed them anyway
Here comes the cake, we made his with agave nectar instead of sugar, rice milk and apple sauce but he still seemed to enjoy it, maybe it was the cool whip as frosting.

Playing with Uncle James and Aunt Nicole

He was even kind enough to share

It took him about five minutes of just squishing the cake in his hands before he really went for it but then he really liked it.

The monkey cake was my first and probably last venture into decorative cake making.

milestone reached too soon

Brent is growing up way to quickly, seriously. Today he turned 11 months and jumped out of his crib AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! That's not supposed to happen for at least another 7 months. For tonight I took his matress out of the crib and put it on the floor so he can't hurt himself too bad before I figure out what to do. Oh boy, here we go....

Walk'n Man

This Thursday Brent really took off. He's a crazy walk'n man

New Tricks and Projects

Brent has Finally learned to sit up! His other new tricks are putting his binky in by himself and standing holding on to the couch all by himself! I'm amazed how quickly he changes. Yesterday I looked at him a realized he's not a baby anymore as much as he is a little boy.

After looking for some time for a something to put the TV in we built one a couple weeks ago. I think it turned out really nice. And I'm excited about being able to baby lock it.

Brent has decided that one of his favorite spots is under the table. I find him there quite frequently.

Happy New Year

This is Brent's fantastic new smile
Oh those prunes are good!!

Trying on Grandpa's hat

Lovin those carrots!

Steven is just so great at making Brent laugh. It is so fun to watch them together! You'll have to forgive the camera woman, I kept getting distracted from the camera by Brent. At this moment he is laying in his crib babbling to himself an hour and a half past his bedtime.

All our pumpkins

So we wanted to share our Halloween fun and it mostly involved pumpkins....

Scoot'n baby

It is official, as of last night Brent is a scooter!